1. Eat right! Doctors hate it when you eat food correctly. Orally is one way to do it.
2. Exercise! Doctors hate that shit.
3. Gargle bleach. Don’t ask, don’t tell!
4. AIDS.
5. Don’t eat. Forget #1, not eating is much quicker than eating.
6. Be dead. Nothing says “baby weight” like being alive enough to keep it on!
7. Fart too much. Too much.
8. is a homophone to ate. You shouldn’t have ate nothing if you were paying attention to number five, bitch.
9. Be anorexic. Or is it bulimic? I forget which is the one where you rip off your lower jaw and eat through a straw.
10. If you’ve gotten this far, congratulations. Here is your doctorate!
11. If you’ve gotten this far, you should know #10 was a ruse and you have passed your final test. You are the chosen one.
12. To save our people, you must lose weight. Way more weight. I don’t care how much. All of it.
13. Here’s some dynamite. You know what to do.
14. Winter’s just around the corner, and cold air helps you burn fat quicker! Go outside naked. To protect yourself from frostbite, breathe onto your hands occasionally. Make sure to let other people know how cold it is outside in case they don’t want to lose weight.
15. Escape from jail. Nobody will recognize you once you get clothes on. Using a fake name was a wise choice, and those fucking pigs can’t ID a man with no fingerprints.
16. Make a new years resolution to lose weight. That shit always works, right?
17. Did I spell bulimic correctly? I’m pretty sure I did.
18. Nice and legal.
19. Cut off your arms. You can’t eat without arms!
20. Wait, you can? With a straw?? How did I forget that already?
21. Once you reach this age, you will be tempted to drink alcohol. Alcohol is a great way to throw up, which fits right in with #9. If you’re a fucking lightweight, that is.
22. Being fat actually makes you less of a lightweight. Forget what I said about alcohol.
23. BRB getting drink
24. I’ve been writing this article for 24 days. Why is this so hard? They all said it would be easy. Just base your article on a number of things and those idiots can’t help but click it. Sweet, sweet ad revenue.
25. How does Cracked.com do it?
26. Oh, right. Wikipedia!
27. God dammit, all this does is tell me what weight loss is. I think I can figure it out without 50 citations, thanks.
28. Measuring tape!
29. Run 20 minutes a day! This will come easy over time, after the first few weeks of evading our weight loss assistant specialists.
30. Come out. We know where you are.
31. You’re not solving anything by hiding from your problems. Running from your problems, that’s how you fix this!
32. Congratulations on losing 5 pounds!