Constable Dogginton and Inspector Cogswealth
The Case of the Missing Fucks
It was a sunny day in the city of Animal Town. A day like any other Saturwednesday. Constable Doggintgon, a stout bulldog with a broad mustache, was patrolling the streets. With him was as always was Inspector Cogswealth, a tall ferret in a sweet trench coat and cap. By the way, they like walk on their hind legs and wear clothes and they’re both human-sized.
“Ah, fine day for a stroll, is it not, Inspector?” asked the Constable with a smile. Cogswealth, as always, stared straight ahead, giving a satisfied grunt. He took a puff from a pipe that was from like the 1800s or something.
“Indeed!” said Doggington. Then suddenly, he stopped dead in his tracks. Before him was quite a scene. Animal people of various types of animals were running frantically about, seemingly searching for something. This was evident by them flipping cars and breaking storefront windows.
“I say, you there, citizen!” said the Constable to a hamster person (or like maybe a guinnea pig?) who was running by.
“No time, constable! There’s a most dire emergency in town!” said the hamster, who lifted a discarded cup, turning it over and looking inside.
“Perhaps I can help? I am a constable, after all,” said Dogginton. “What’s your name, my boy?”
“Who fucking cares?” snapped the hamster.
Constable Doggington was most shocked indeed. His constable hat bounced up because he was so goddamn surprised. “I-I say sir, watch your language?”
The hamster looked confused for a moment. “I’m sorry, constable, I forgot myself. You see, the town is in the strangest strange fuck drought!”
“Excuse me???” asked Constable Doggington, making sure to use several question marks.
“You see, constable,” began the hamster, “I was so rude to you before because I simply didn’t give a fuck if you were a police officer!” He smiled, having explained it perfectly.
“I would surely hope that this badge carries more respect than that!” said the affronted constable. “You’d best explain yourself, son! Are you on the catnip?”
The hamster frowned. “I’ll explain myself to you when you explain to me why my tax dollars go to pay your doggy treats and you’re still giving me the business, tubby!”
Constable Doggington’s fist wavered in the air. “Now see here, sonny, it’s not often I use my whoppermadoodle, but when I encounter a ruffian, I dare say I’m not afraid to use it!” A whoppermadoodle was of course a device used for peacefully suggesting vagabonds into submission.
The hamster looked confused again before collecting himself. “I do apologize, constable, you just have to understand that there are no fucks this day in Animal Town. Indeed, I don’t think anyone has a single fuck to share with their neighbor.”
Constable Doggington simply could not grasp this absurdity. Inspector Cogswealth took another puff of his pipe. “So you’re looking for your fucks now, is that what you’re doing?”
“Not just my fucks,” explained the hamster. “I’m looking for literally any fucks!”
“But you can still say it?” asked the constable, cocking an eyebrow.
“Fuck yeah!” said the hamster with a proud smile.
Constable Doggington frowned. Indeed, it looked like everyone was looking for fucks all over. A raccoon guy turned over a trash can and he wasn’t even going to eat anything out of it! He simply rummaged through the pile of garbage, all the while muttering, “I need a fuck! Just one fuck! My kid’s choir concert is tonight, for Raccoon God’s sake!”
“Mr. Raccoon?” asked Doggington in disbelief. “Don’t you think you should be eating that garbage? I’d hate to have to give you a ticket for littering.”
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” cried Mr. Raccoon, oblivious to the constable’s presence. He fell to his knees, losing all hope.
“This is most serious, Inspector!” said Doggington. Inspecotr Cogswealth gave a satisfied grunt. “I think it’s true, nobody has any … You know.”
“Fucks,” said Inspector Cogswealth, staring at nothing in the distance and hitting his pipe.
“Indeed!” said Doggington, nodding vigorously. “We’ve got to find them all immediately!”
Before Constable Doggington could get 10 steps into his quest to find all the fucks, he was stopped by the sight of two large groups of people standing off down the street. One group was dogs, and one was cats and dogs. But they’re like humanoids and they wear clothes and shit. You get it.
“Bowwow!” the group that was all dogs shouted. A tabby cat ran up to the closest dog, a beagle. She was holding a box, and threw the contents upon the beagle. The contents happened to be very well used kitty litter.
The dog howled angrily, brushing off the various things that come in used cat litter. Constable Doggington came rushing upon the scene as quickly as his short legs could carry him, before the situation escalated even further.
“Hey, cop, do your job and get these fucking fidos out of here!” shouted a collie in the dog-cat group who saw Doggington’s approach.
Doggington was quite startled. FIDOs, from the Foundation in Infinite Dog Omnipotence? Doggintgon set the thought aside and approached the cat and her litter-covered dog opponent, who were now squaring off.
“Officer, this kitty assaulted me!” cried the beagle.
“Did you just say kitty? I’ll kick your ass!” cried the tabby in return.
The constable thought about the most diplomatic way to approach the situation. He turned to the beagle. “Sir, watch your language!”
“What are you yelling at me for? I’m the one covered in shit!”
“Who gives a fuck?” interjected the cat. “This asshole thinks dogs should all stay purebred!”
“I’m sorry, what?” asked the constable. “FIDO? The, uh, purebred group that thinks dogs shouldn’t breed with other animals?”
“That’s not what this is about,” said the dog.
“They’re over here saying bowwow,” said the collie from the cat-dog group. “There’s nothing more offensive than that! Did you hear them?”
The beagle said firmly, “This isn’t about that at all. These people want to tear down a statue of Doggo P. Hennyson, a hero in the War!”
Constable Doggington looked behind the two groups, where a tall, gold statue of a proud-looking dog appeared. Doggngton thought back to the War. As it had occurred 150 years ago, everyone who had been alive at the time was long deceased. In the war, a once-united nation became two, split into a nation of purebred dogs and a mixed nation of both dogs and cats. At the end of the war, the two nations were united once more, but the cat-dogs were decidedly the victors. Indeed, Animal Town was in the purebred dog nation at the time.
“He fought for the rights of a nation that believed in the personal freedoms of all its citizens,” said the beagle. “A nation where a dog could be happy. Where the the government only taxes for military purposes. Can you smell the freedom, officer?”
Constable Doggington sniffed. “I’m afraid not.”
“Of course not, because I’m covered in fucking cat litter!”
The tabby cat stomped her feet furiously. “Doggo P. Hennyson fought for slavery!”
Oh yeah, the purebred dog nation seriously fucking owned cats as slaves. That’s important.
“No no no,” the beagle said again, “This is not about that!”
Constable Doggington thought about it. He definitely thought slavery was not good. If anything, it was the worst. If he caught someone running a slave ring, he would certainly give them quite a show with his whoppermadoodle. Still, it seemed wrong to tear down a statue of a dog hero, even if his nation did own slaves.
“I think,” began Doggington wisely, “We should all go home and forget about the statue.”
The cat-dog group cried with fury. The tabby cat waved her arms at the statue in disbelief. “I have to walk by this stupid thing every day after work and be reminded of what these assholes did to us!” she shouted, pointing at the beagle.
The beagle shouted back, “You’re trying to destroy our history! Next thing you know, there won’t be any dogs left!”
Constable Doggington thought about it a moment. “If you think there should be more dogs, then instead of joining a hate group like FIDO, why don’t you just marry a dog?” He nodded sagely, his wisdom solving the whole goddamn problem.
The purebreds yelled furiously. The beagle turned to Doggington and said, “FIDO believes in keeping dogs strong and united. By tearing down this statue, they’ll be trying to take that away from us.”
Constable Doggington thought about it. Across the ocean, 70 years ago, the united cat-dog nation had a squabble with the nation that founded FIDO. Indeed, FIDO was the ideology of an entire nation, and the cat-dog nation kicked its ass.
The constable turned to the inspector. “Cogswealth, wasn’t it FIDO that exterminated six million Pomeranians 70 years ago? That was them, right?”
Cogswealth appeared from the shadows, staring off into the distance. He gave a grunt as he refilled his pipe.
“Yeah, I thought so!” said Constable Doggington with a satisfied grin. “Knew I had it right. I think I see the problem here. Allow me to explain: You see, Animal Town is at a deficit of, well, dare I say, ‘fucks’. Indeed, as I can plainly see, neither of you could give one single fuck about the other!”
“You got that right,” said the tabby, as she and the beagle nodded in agreement.
“Quite,” said Doggington. “You see, purebred dogs, you don’t give a fuck about the plight of the cats, but you defend Doggo P. Hennyson, a hero who ultimately fought against their best interests. It couldn’t matter less to you what the lasting effects are on cats from the cruelty of his nation!”
“Yep, you got it, that is irrelevant to me,” nodded the beagle. “Also this is not about that.”
“And you, cat-dog whoevers, you don’t give a fuck about the historical relevance of such a statue. We are supposed to remember history, lest we are doomed to repeat it, yet here you are trying to erase it!”
The cat shook her head. “No, this is more about how purebred dogs use statues like this as an icon to say cat slavery was right, and that’s the part I don’t like.”
Doggington was surprised. “Oh. Well, I got the purebred dogs right.”
“One day, a cat was walking by the statue, and then they just remembered the War, and now it’s a problem all of a sudden. This statue has been standing for 100 years, ever since they were commissioned by that one president who hated cats.”
“I want this asshole to shut his stupid long-snouted wet-ass-nose-having face!” shouted the cat.
“Well I want this kitty to go back to wherever the hell kitty cats are from!” shouted the dog.
“He just called me kitty again! I’m going to beat the shit out of him!”
Constable Doggington was on alert. “Now hold on here…”
The beagle yelled over him. “She’s encroaching on my freedom of speech!”
“Are you kidding me?” the tabby asked incredulously. “If FIDO had its way, the first thing they would do is squelch freedom of speech for cats! You don’t see any irony there?”
“This isn’t about that, it’s about freedom of speech,” replied the beagle.
“Fuck you!” shouted the tabby.
“No, fuck you!” shouted the beagle.
Constable Doggington gasped. “My word! It seems we’ve found the fucks! It seems not that you were out of fucks, but rather, you only gave fucks to yourselves!” Doggington cleared his throat. “Perhaps I’ve got it this time. So you, purebred FIDO dogs, think dogs should rule the nation and cats should learn the place. And you, cat-dog folk! You, uh…”
Doggington thought for another moment. “Well actually I think the FIDOs have all the fucks if I’m being totally honest.”
“Wow, thanks a lot,” said the beagle. “Where’s a prejudice police state when you actually need it?”
“Well, I’m glad we found where all the fucks in Animal Town went!” chuckled Constable Doggington. “Another fine day of work, eh, Inspector?”
The inspector grunted and took a satisfied puff from his pipe.
Then a fucking hurricane came through and killed everyone because they thought it was fake news.