If you want to be cool, you’re going to have to commit some crimes. The dilemma that many people who are trying to become cool face is: “What’s the coolest crime?” It’s a tough question, since almost any crime is really cool. Laws are dumb and you can be a super cool renegade if you break them.
I’ve compiled a list of the coolest crimes along with tips on how to pull ’em off. Be careful not to do it wrong. If you commit the crime wrong, it can be totally uncool.
Murder is a classic. If there’s anybody you admire, they’ve probably killed someone. Picture a cool person in your head. Yep. That person has definitely killed somebody. There’s nothing that says “awesome” like callously taking away another person’s life.
- Say something cool after the kill. Preferably an awesome one-liner about the way they died. “Oh, do bullets kill you?” You could also have an endearing one liner “Ain’t I a stinker?”
- Walk away like nothing ever happened. You have to be unrattled by the experience.
- Brag about it to all your friends. Get the word out! How can you be cool if nobody knows what you did?
- Be all sneaky about it. That’s creepy. People won’t want to hang out with you if they think you’re weird.
- Feel remorse. What kind of cool person feels bad about the reprehensible things they’ve done? Suck it up.
I know I’m going to get a lot of flack for putting this higher on the list than murder, but it has to be said. Loitering is awesome. It’s simply the ultimate way to hang out. You can be doing absolutely nothing and be committing a crime!
- Be a nuisance. People won’t be as aware of your edgy “who cares” attitude if you’re loitering without bothering anyone. Bring a boombox and play your favorite jams. If somebody bothers you, tell them to buzz off!
- Turn a designated place into your hangout. Claim some territory! That’s your spot! It’s totally cool when you assert dominance over something you have no right to own.
- Loiter out of necessity. Find a place to live, guy! Being homeless is uncool. If you have to loiter to get some sleep, that’s super lame.
Senseless destruction is in! Damaging public or private property is a totally cool form of recreation. The bragging rights are immense. You’ll be able to proudly say that you’re the one who destroyed that dumb statue or made that awesome drawing on the side of that dude’s house.
- Vandalize things that people will see. You have to destroy things that people will be looking at on a regular basis! This applies especially to somebody’s house. That house is a canvas just for you.
- Vandalize in harmless ways. Wow, that’s lame. I heard of some guys who knitted sweaters onto things. The point is to be destructive. Sheesh.
#2: Identity Theft
The ultimate thing to steal from somebody is their identity. You essentially become them. Okay, let’s not get carried away here. This isn’t number one on the list because you don’t, like, get their face and take over their life. It’s still pretty cool; you can do some radical stuff with it.
- Buy exorbitantly priced items with their credit. Don’t just get free money but pretending to be somebody; be wasteful with it. Buy the most absurd things you can think of. Don’t worry! It’s not on you! You’ll be the coolest guy in town with the ridiculous items you bought.
- Be all sneaky about it. Save the sneakiness for the end of the list. You need to brazenly claim their identity. Go as far as to act like you’re them and eventually have a cool showdown with them. You’ll be like the dark criminal version of them! That’s cool!
Free stuff is awesome. That’s undeniable. The ultimate free thing is something stolen, of course. You’ll be insanely cool if you sneak into some dude’s mansion and make out with a bunch of diamonds. You can even buy a bunch of high-tech-possibly-non-existent spy equipment and feel really badass.
- Break into a mansion or museum or something. To be cool, you have to make an insane amount of profit from one excursion. Go big! Feel really cool when you walk out of that place with a priceless painting under your arm. Outsmart that laser security system! The more stereotypes from movies, the better! Don’t worry, it’s not cliché; it’s awesome!
- Play it safe. Your burglaries have to be extravagant and amazing. Don’t be one of those lame-os who burgles random houses owned by Joe Shmoe. Nobody’s ever going to think you’re cool.
I hope I’ve helped you get started on your life of crime! Maybe in the future I’ll write a guide about how to break out of prison! (Consequently, breaking out of prison is really cool)