Most people arrogantly go about their lives believing that they are human beings. With 5% of the “human” population being trains, it would do them some good to know the real truth about who or what they are.

There are a few signs to help you figure out whether you’re a blood-filled meat man or a steam-powered locomotive.

1 – Do You Yearn For The Tracks?

Is there something deep in your heart that draws you to the train tracks? The inexplicable desire to seek out tracks is a sign of being a train. Most people find train tracks dull, boring, and dangerous, but a train finds them exciting and liberating.

If you have this feeling, don’t be too alarmed, because you could just be a weirdo. Which could be worse than a train. But at least you’re not a train.

2- Can You Carry Hundreds of Pounds of Cargo or Passengers?

A lot of people haven’t tested this out, so you should do so now.  Done? Good. If you could do it, you could be a train. Or maybe a truck? A superhero? I don’t know, it could be anything. I’m guessing you’re not a person, though.

3- Do You Obey Train Conductors?

Typically, people have a general disdain for train conductors. They’re just dumb guys wearing hats who do train stuff. If you’re a train, however, you will have an irrational respect for them. You’ll obey their every command and show them extreme deference.

Since train conductors are generally unrespectable, you’re almost certainly a train if you have this behavior.  Otherwise, you’re probably mentally challenged or insane.

4- Do You Have a Built-in Train Whistle?

I don’t want to be condescending, but you’re probably a train if you have this. You see, most people don’t have any train parts attached to them. Are you stupid? If you have a train whistle on you, why are you reading this? You’re a train.

Oh, and I guess if you don’t have a train whistle, I’m sorry for insulting you. You may not be a train.

5- Do You Drink Diesel?

This alone doesn’t prove you’re a train, but if you’ve got any of the other signs, you’re a train. Let me lay this on you. Diesel is not a beverage. It’s really gross and is a fuel for vehicles. Human beings don’t drink diesel; stop fooling yourself. We drink gasoline, not this diesel garbage. You’re disgusting.