Preditor: Bad Husband, Lazy Wife

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. “If only I had gotten my tetanus shot!” But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; “I could give her a really shitty one that hit the nail on the head, but elected not to” she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! “Anyone I don’t love deserves my pity”

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. “I wasn’t entirely sure how companies worked but I was pretty sure you could just give 30% of it to someone you were making your enemy” She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. “If she had read all the shit I was giving her instead of just glancing at it she might have been more on board” The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy “‘Cause I’ll be the first to admit that loving me is a big fucking waste of time” but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Keep in mind how dearly he loves Jane, for future reference Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. Are you getting off on this? You sick fuck The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. “My wife looked kinda’ ugly when she cried so it just made me want to divorce her even harder”

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. “It couldn’t have had anything to do with me so I quickly lost interest” I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. So you’re saying you slept when you got home, then? When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. “I went to sleep in the kitchen” I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. I just can’t tell if this guy was sleeping or not, if he said it maybe 10 or 15 more times I might be able to tell

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. You were already notified of the divorce She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. She literally said “Let’s make sure this is as huge a struggle as possible” Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. Keep in mind that the son is taking important exams, for future reference

This was agreeable to me. “Because now I didn’t have to give her anything” But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. “The idea of carrying a crazy person every day was more bearable than not doing that”

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly “because I had accepted them” and thought it was absurd “that I had said yes”. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. Jane is clearly the badguy because she does NOT approve of the wife’s weird mind games

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. Is old enough to be taking important exams, is young enough to clap and say “Daddy!” instead of “What the fuck are you two doing” His words brought me a sense of pain. “I mean seriously he was 15 years old and acting like a toddler” From the bedroom to the sitting room, SADOS: Seating Area Designed Only for Sitting then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. My arms were approximately 1 meter long, I was precisely 1.8 meters tall, my wife, 1.7, She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. “Well hush the fuck up then ’cause he’s right behind us!” I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. “Even though we both work and I own a company, we only have one car, which I need more than her. That is why I was going to give it to her in the divorce.”

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. “We were definitely getting better at acting.” She leaned on my chest. “She really liked me even though I was cheating on her. Wait, I don’t think I’d ever told her that part yet.” I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. “I realized I wanted to divorce her even more than before so I could be with the much younger and hotter Jane.” There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. “Once that minute was up I concluded that it wasn’t my fault and that the passage of time ages people.”

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. So it was a lot like the fourth day, then. I didn’t tell Jane about this. “I didn’t want my mistress knowing I was cheating on her with my wife.” It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. “Ten pushups a day for the past 7 years was finally starting to pay off.”

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. “Because clothes get bigger as they grow older, like people.” I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. So are you saying your wife is wrong and her clothes DIDN’T grow? Are you totally faithless? Oh I guess so huh

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Being bitter is a great way to get sympathy, but what does that have to do with losing weight Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. “Then she said, ‘uh, having fun poking my head?'”

Our son came in at the moment and sarcastically said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. “In fact, it had completely distracted him from studying for his exams, moreso than the divorce would have” My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. About the divorce or about not hitting your son I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. “We couldn’t afford a living room” Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. “Naturally her hand was huge enough to fit around my entire neck” I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. “My back still has that kink in it from when I hurt myself trying to carry her around the whole day.”

But her much lighter weight made me sad. “I’ve always been a ‘more cushion for the pushin” kind of guy” On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. “Carrying her fat ass around finally took its toll on my legs” Our son had gone to high school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. “She said, ‘no shit, didn’t you realize it was returning on day 4? I did, but I didn’t say anything ’cause I thought you knew'” I drove to office…. Office, Inc. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… “Came back and my radio was stolen, really should have changed my mind about not locking it” I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door “because she somehow knew I was coming” and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. “I realized that my wife probably found head touching to be as annoying as I just did.” Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. “I wasn’t asking about the divorce, I was pointing out that you look very sick and should probably see a doctor. But it is known that fevers give people strong aversions to divorce” My marriage life was boring probably “I’m just guessin'” because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, “not until I right clicked in my life’s folder and said ‘View Details'” not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. “Literally, and I was already fucking up by being at work not holding her” Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. “That sleepy Jane, always asleep! Kinda’ like me earlier that night I was so sleepy so I went to sleep and slept” She gave me a loud slap on the ass and then slammed the door and burst into tears. “I am the goodguy of the story now because I made another woman cry, but this time it was my mistress instead of my wife. I’m such a ladykiller, you can tell why women find me so irresistible. It is okay for me to keep indecisively flip-flopping between two women as long as I settle on the right one eventually” I walked downstairs and drove away. “I knew I could get fired from the business I own for sleeping with yet another coworker/employee, so I thought I’d just take off 7 hours early until the heat died off.” At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. “Then she said, ‘Uh, let me get you another card, I’ll write it this time like I was going to in the first place, okay?'”

That evening I arrived home, “I would have gotten home 6 hours ago but I thought I’d go to the theater and watch 3 movies as long as I was skipping work anyway, oh that Optimal Prime always looking for food in the Hungry Games” flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. WHAT! MURDER! My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. “She was also too busy healthily going to work on a daily basis to notice she had cancer, so she must have been just as surprised as I was when she got home and died suddenly.” She knew that she would die soon oh so I guess she did know, then, good thing this is that kind of cancer that doesn’t hurt you or make you sick, you just lose weight and then die after a while and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. “Also my hyphen key got stuck, sorry. I later discovered that my wife had begun cooking meth as soon as she found out she had cancer. She had become a very successful drug lord and left my son and I with a huge sum of money. In fact, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure she was a meth-cooking drug lord before the cancer. I wonder if that has anything to do with how she got it? Probably not.”

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. “Which is good because I don’t have a mansion.” These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. “Little things like carrying their lazy asses to the door every day, that never gets old. Hopefully you are either a body builder or your spouse has cancer.” If you are not in a relationship now, remember this for the second (or third) time around. It’s never too late. “Unless you have cancer.”

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. Oh ok good in that case I won’t, good thing I don’t have to share it 7 times or forever be cursed with a loveless, cancer-filled life

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up “So Don was cheating on me, but when I caught his ass he kept insisting that if he carried me around the house every day it would somehow make up for it. So I told him that foot massages and a new purse and fifty bucks a week would also make up for it. Things have been going pretty great!”

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