There are countless reasons to fear for your well-being during Valentine’s Day. Maybe you’re sad and alone and the dreaded holiday only reminds you of your crushing loneliness. Or perhaps you have a significant other who is way too demanding about it. Maybe you’re someone with countless others vying for them and are concerned about being hounded on Valentine’s Day.

Regardless of your circumstances, you’re sure to find these tips highly useful. You’ll definitely be able to make it through the day if you follow this advice.

~#5~

♥♥♥♥♥ Pretend It’s Another Holiday ♥♥♥♥♥

If Valentine’s Day isn’t your thing, then you can just act like it’s some other holiday. Since all holidays are given arbitrary dates anyway, you can choose to celebrate them whenever you want. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you a holiday’s date has any significant meaning. Halloween, New Years, Christmas, Martin Luther King Day, and the like were all chosen completely at random by some guy working for the federal government. Stick it to the man and celebrate them whenever.

My recommendation is Halloween, since that one also involves candy. You also get to dress up and bang on the doors of complete strangers. Usually you’d call that solicitation or robbery, but in this case it’s completely normal.

Dress up and go door to door and trick-or-treat as if it were Halloween. Nobody will bother you about Valentine’s Day if you do this.

WARNING: Don’t go dress up as anything Valentine’s Day related, dummy! This includes Cupid, a giant human heart, or somebody with the surname “Valentine”!

~#4~

♥♥♥♥ Be a Huge Jerk About the Holiday ♥♥♥♥

On Valentine’s Day, you’ll have to do whatever it takes to survive. Don’t succumb to its lovey-dovey grasp and find yourself buying overpriced candies and cards. You never want to be caught dead saying “Do you want to be my valentine?”, do you?

Of course not. When it comes down to it, you may just have to be extremely hostile about the holiday as a method of defense. There are many ways of doing this, and each of them has its own appeal.

For starters, you need to make sure everyone around you knows what Valentine’s Day is. It’s just another overly-commercialized holiday. Never-mind the original meaning behind it; it’s all about buying things now! Since nobody has ever pointed this out about holidays, people will be astounded by your amazing insight and will be likely to join you in your crusade against the holiday.

If someone gives you a box of chocolates, throw it on the ground and stomp on it right in front of them. I think they’ll get the message. Either that or they’ll think you’re anti-chocolate. I guess tell them why you did it afterwards if you’re not sure. It’s because you hate Valentine’s Day.

If you follow this advice, you’ll be on your way to becoming a Valentine’s Humbug. Or as they call them: a Vumbug.

~#3~

♥♥♥ Give Insightful Romantic Knowledge ♥♥♥

If being really hostile or passive-aggressive about the holiday isn’t your thing, you can try beating everyone at their own game. Astound them with your knowledge. I’m willing to impart some of my wisdom onto you if it will help you get through Valentine’s Day.

Here’s a classic line about love and chocolate: “Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love?”

Say that to anyone, and they will just melt. It’s even better if you make ridiculous faces as you chew on a piece of chocolate after saying it. Need proof? Try this clip. Just be careful not to leave your “underwears” behind after you drop this line, if you catch my drift.

~#2~

♥♥ Tell Everyone Valentine’s Day is Tomorrow ♥♥

Boy, will they feel dumb! By deceiving them and giving them the wrong day for the holiday, you’ll be totally off the hook.

There are a few pitfalls for this, so be sure to follow my advice very closely.

• If they go to check, get upset and demand that they don’t. “Don’t you trust me? I’m telling you, Valentine’s Day is on the 15th!”
• If they simply don’t believe you or are certain that you’re wrong, run. Sprint away as fast as you can. Run away until they can’t locate you at all. Get in a car and drive as far away as possible. If you can, get on a train or airplane. Even a boat. Just get out of there.
• If possible, produce a doctored calendar that has the date for Valentine’s edited. This is really convincing, especially if you use the high-quality crayons for the editing.

When the 15th comes around, it’s too late to celebrate. “My bad”, you’ll say. “Maybe next year?” you can add.

~#1~

♥ Go Into Hiding ♥

Drastic times call for drastic measures. The best way of surviving is to disappear for the duration of the holiday.

There must be absolutely no outside contact during this time and you must not be reminded of Valentine’s Day in any way.

My recommendation is the construction of a Valentine’s Day Bunker where you can hide out until the dreaded day has come to an end.

Construct the bunker underground out of reinforced steel. Make sure it’s a Valentine’s Day Free Zone. No candy, no calendars, nothing heart-shaped, and nothing that can contact the outside world. You are to remain in solitude for the duration of Valentine’s Day and only emerge once it’s officially over worldwide.

Once it’s over, it’s over. Nobody will have any right to say anything Valentine’s Day related to you. If they ask you where you were, tell them you were “on a business trip” or “busy”.

I hope these tips will be of use to you as you deal with the dreaded holiday. Happy Valentine’s Day ♥!