We are going to run out of wind and it will be your fault

Has this happened to you lately?

You’re just walking down the street, enjoying a can of soda. Finish the soda, just throw it on the ground. Who gives a crap, not your ground.

Then some treehugger comes up to you and starts giving you the old nag-around about how you’re destroying the planet.

I hope when that happens, you punch that guy in the face.¬†You’re not destroying the planet, HE is.

Specifically, the part of the planet¬†that’s not the ground or the water. The air. And not the air itself, just its motion. He’s destroying the air’s motion. Like you know when you’re at the beach and all of a sudden it feels like someone’s hitting you, but very softly and with a pillow, and then you turn and it feels like a complete strange is running their fingers through your hair?

Wind! That’s what that nonsense is called. And environmentalists are trying to DESTROY IT.

Have you ever seen one of those wind power generators? They look like a windmill, if it was designed by a jackass. Here’s the thing the wind comes by and does the ole’ touch-around sally on the blades of the windmill and causes it to turn which in turn creates oil that we can then burn to create electricity.

Sounds great, right? WRONG.

You see, unlike oil, wind is what’s called a non-renewable resource. There is only so much wind on the planet forever. Every time the wind goes bump into a windmill, I beg your pardon, some of that wind energy, or windergy, is gone forever.

Even though windergy isn’t in wide-spread use, its effects are already being documented through the phenomenon scientists are calling “global slowing.” Our wind is getting slower!

We measure the average wind speed on the planet by how fast wind performs at the major NASCAR races compared to the cars. At the last race-around, it barely went quicker than the top car driver man.

Now you can here Mr. Treehugger saying, “What’s so bad about that? I don’t ever even think my wind needs to be fast okay?”

Punch him again please.

Here are some of all the problems our planet will have if we run out of wind:

  • No more commercials for shampoo or other hair products.
  • The fantasy novel “The Name of the Wind” by Patrick Rothfuss will need to be renamed “The Name of the Stationary Air.”
  • Eating hot meals outside will take longer without a cool breeze to ease the temperature.
  • Planes will never be late or early, just on time all the time, always, wait that doesn’t sound so bad.

You know what, never mind. Get rid of the wind, it’s useless.

Sorry to have taken up your time.

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